Assalamualaikum diriku. Sekian lama tidak bercerita dalam blog ni.
Kali ni diriku rasa lain dari sebelum ni. Untuk pengetahuan awak, tika ini aku telah menyertai pelbagai kem "muhasabah diri" yang dianjurkan perbadanan Islam. Aku rasa bersyukur dan tika ini aku rasa beremosi sangat, nak menangis sebenarnya sebab banyak aku belajar daripada insan-insan yang aku kenal dan masa yang sama aku belajar apa nafsu aku inginkan.
Maksud aku nafsu adalah kehendak diriku dalam menyukai orang. Iya, untuk pengetahuan awak, kita songsang. Dululah.. dulu tu tika aku masih keliru kenapa aku minat lelaki. Tapi sekarang bukan lah aku tiada langsung keinginan itu tetapi aku mampu mengawalnya.
Aku bersyukur insan-insan yang aku kenali setiap kem, setiap program anjuran perbadanan Islam dan NGO yang ingin bantu komuniti seperti aku. Untuk pengetahuan, mereka juga ada masalah songsang seperti aku dan sememangnya mereka ingin berubah dan kembali kepada fitrah asal. Mungkin orang diluar sana pandang kami hina dan cuba mengelak sebolehnya tetapi kami tidak ambil peduli kerana kami tahu apa kami inginkan.
Harap awak tak salah faham, kita tahu bukan semua ingin berubah dan ada golongan seperti kami masih tidak puas dengan dunia mereka, dunia yang pastinya yang tidak diredaiNYA. Untuk pegetahuan awak ada yang sudah puas dan ingin mencari kebahagian yang hakiki bukannya sementara.
Bukanlah kita tak tahu, kehendak diri bukan semuanya betul walaupun banyak petikan nasihat dari media seantero dunia, yang mengajar untuk jadi diri sendiri, untuk jadi diri yang merdeka yang boleh bua tapa sahaja tanpa ikatan daripada padangan keluarga dan masyarakat, ikatan undang-undang, dan pastinya ikatan dengan tuhan kita sendiri. Tapi apabila sampai satu tahap memudaratkan kita pastinya akan menyesal suatu hari nanti.
Aku kenal ramai insan yang mempunyai zaman silam yang menyeramkan diriku kerana kita tahu itu perkara salah dan berdosa kita lakukan.Mereka sebenarnya sedar pada hakikat itu tetapi akibat daripada keinginan yang membuat diri ingin memilikinya menjadi punca hakikat itu dilupakan hari demi hari.
Terima kasih pada tuhan kerana makbul doa yang aku hajati. Terima kasih pada insan-insan, hamba Allah yang aku kenali kerana bantu aku terutamanya abang Fadhil. Insan yang pertama bantu aku dalam jihad ini. Terima kasih pada JAKIM, MAIS, dan PAFI merealisasikan program yang sebenarnya ambil risiko iaitu pergaulan antara kami. Walaubagaimanapun, pastinya ada sebab program itu diadakan dan mereka perbadan Islam tahu tujuan mereka.
Cukuplah dengan kebahagian yang sementara. Carilah kebahagian yang hakiki. Aku bersyukur sangat dan aku yakin aku mampu kawal dan mampu hilangkan sebahagian identiti diriku yang tidak sepatutnya wujud dalam naluri lelaki.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Sebulan hanya sekali
Assalamualaikum..
Post kali ni, aku cuma mahu katakan aku ada rutin sendiri. Tak sangka aku ada sebab aku ni pemalas dan suka tangguh kerja haha. Tak sangka pula yang aku ada rutin sendiri.
Rutin tu adalah potong rambut dan sebenarnya waktu dulu, aku memang tak minat nak potong. Bukan apa cuma malas aje. Tapi, sejak akhir-akhir ni aku potong sebab aku rimas rambut panjang, lagi2 asyik tengok cermin. Nak buat style tu, style ni. Kesannya, aku akan buang masa aku dengan melihat cermin. Lagipun, aku dah sedar yang aku xmampu simpan sebab sememangnya rambut aku tak sesuai panjang kerana ia akan jadi kerinting haha
Aku dah la gelap. Lagi2. kalau rambut dah kerinting pastinya nampak macam negro haha. Sebab tu lah aku lebih selesa jika rambut aku pendek. Handsome pun handsome. Pastinya mesti ada orang suka aku :P
Entahlaaa.. haha. Jadi, ini lah rutin aku. Aku harap selain dapat buat sebulan sekali mampu dijadikan seminggu sekali atau sekali sehari. Bukan potong rambut! haha.. Perkara lain yang baik yang boleh dibuat setiap masa tanpa bosan atau terfikir mahu mengeluh.
Post kali ni, aku cuma mahu katakan aku ada rutin sendiri. Tak sangka aku ada sebab aku ni pemalas dan suka tangguh kerja haha. Tak sangka pula yang aku ada rutin sendiri.
Rutin tu adalah potong rambut dan sebenarnya waktu dulu, aku memang tak minat nak potong. Bukan apa cuma malas aje. Tapi, sejak akhir-akhir ni aku potong sebab aku rimas rambut panjang, lagi2 asyik tengok cermin. Nak buat style tu, style ni. Kesannya, aku akan buang masa aku dengan melihat cermin. Lagipun, aku dah sedar yang aku xmampu simpan sebab sememangnya rambut aku tak sesuai panjang kerana ia akan jadi kerinting haha
Aku dah la gelap. Lagi2. kalau rambut dah kerinting pastinya nampak macam negro haha. Sebab tu lah aku lebih selesa jika rambut aku pendek. Handsome pun handsome. Pastinya mesti ada orang suka aku :P
Entahlaaa.. haha. Jadi, ini lah rutin aku. Aku harap selain dapat buat sebulan sekali mampu dijadikan seminggu sekali atau sekali sehari. Bukan potong rambut! haha.. Perkara lain yang baik yang boleh dibuat setiap masa tanpa bosan atau terfikir mahu mengeluh.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Masalah masalah masalah... Problemsss ses..sessssss sess,,
Assalamualaikum..
Alhamdulillah, aku rasa bersyukur sebab sekarang ni aku banyak kongsi masalah aku yang besar kepada pihak lain. Pihak ni aku boleh katakan yang aku percaya pada mereka bila aku kongsi masalah aku. Selain tu, aku cuba jadi diriku dengan mereka, kata apa yang aku tak boleh kata dengan orang lain.
Orang kata, masalah sendiri kenalah selesaikan sendiri. Aku setuju dengan perkara tu. Tapi, masalahnya macam mana selesaikan? Dari dulu sampai sekarang, walaupun aku kongsi masalah aku tu dengan pihak lain , aku tak pasti itu jalan yang betul atau salah, Aku baru sahaja kenal mereka, dan mereka bukan berdekatan malah jauh dari padangan. Mereka boleh dikatakan sahabat aku, tapi sebahagian daripada diriku cakap, aku tak boleh percaya mereka mampu menyelesaikan masalah aku tu.
Sebaliknya, disebabkan pihak lain itu ada yang masalah yang sama, aku lebih selesa dengan mereka kerana aku menyalurkan penyelesaian aku itu melalui mereka. Aku cuba lebih "open" dengan mereka supaya sedikit demi sedikit dapat ringankan beban masalah ni, Bukan kami tidak ada pengawasan, kami sebenarnya ada. Mereka ni juga main peranan besar kalau sekiranya aku mahu nasihat. Pada masa yang sama, sedikit demi sedikit dapat selesaikan. Kami bersosial, belajar dari kesilapan, mendidik diri dengan ilmu agama dan berazam mahu bantu orang lain yang mempunyai masalah yang sama suatu hari nanti. Sangat membantu.
Munkin kadangkala, bila ada masalah dalaman yang timbul dalam kumpulan ini, tidak bermakna kita akan berpecah. Bukan semua boleh diceritakan. Tapi, kalau itu timbul pada diri aku, aku mengharap doa daripada mereka. Aku berharap mereka akan cuba doakan masalah dalaman tersebut dapat diselesaian. Diam tidak bermakna orang itu tidak buat apa-apa. Aku yakin, mereka akan doa kebaikan aku dan antara mereka semua. Sekiranya masalah serius ni tiada lagi yang mampu ditolong sesiapa, kepada Allah kita kembali. Bukan mudah nak terlintas kalau kita bermasalah. Sekiranya Allah di ingatan kita, penyelesaian akan bermula dari situ. Usaha kedua dan berpisah bukan penyelesaian.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Tolong cepat kahwin!
Assalamualaikum,
Perkara pertama aku nak cakap sekarang ni keadaan aku jadi runsing dan keliru. Aku cuba bertahan, tapi aku tak tahu berapa lama lagi yang aku mampu. Kebetulan aku dah lama x update blog ni, jadi aq guna tinta ni sebagai medium aku nak luah perasaan aku.
Tolong cepat kahwin! tu sebenarnya tajuk pertama aku nak cakap sekarang ni. Wahai awak, sebenanarnya aku mengharap kau cepat kahwin. Bukan apa, aku takut perkara yang tak elok akan terjadi. Munkin kat atas diriku ataupun kau. Aku memang tak nak benda tu terjadi. Yang aku tahu pasti kau xkenal aku, tapi aku je kenal kau. Aku cuba nak katakan, kau memang bukan dekat sini tapi kau sebenarnya kau jauh, dan sebenarnya perkara yang mengeratkan kita adalah media sosial awak lah. Aku bukan xnak unfriend ke, block ke, aku nak kau jadi rival aku. Tapi masalah aku, bila kau dah post gambar tuut tuut. Aku jadi keliru balik. Terlupa niat sebenar kenapa aku biarkan diri aku x unfriend bagai semuai tu.
Kita ada persamaan, tapi aku nak cuba jadi mcm kau, sebab tahap kau lebih tinggi dari aku. Cuma naluri yang asyik terusik dgn gambar xsenonoh daripada kau, buat aku hampir terlupa. Tolonglah.
Harap cepatlah kahwin. Bukan aku xnak beritahu hadapan kau. Aku boleh je beritahu. Tapi siapa aku, kau bukan kenal aku dan kita bukan kawan pon.
Harap2 aku sediri mampu bertahan sampai waktu matlamat aku dah sampai, aku akan berhenti dari mengambil tahu lagi daripada kau. Sebenarnya, aku nak cuba ucap berterima kasih sebab xsangka sebabkan kau, aku mudah naik semangat aku cuba bersabar dan bertahan. Tambahan pula, tingkatkan lagi prestasi aku.
NotaKaki: Post pertama tahun ni, dan cuba elaklah post nak luahkan perasaan je. Umur dah 21 kot. Matang lah sikit.
Perkara pertama aku nak cakap sekarang ni keadaan aku jadi runsing dan keliru. Aku cuba bertahan, tapi aku tak tahu berapa lama lagi yang aku mampu. Kebetulan aku dah lama x update blog ni, jadi aq guna tinta ni sebagai medium aku nak luah perasaan aku.
Tolong cepat kahwin! tu sebenarnya tajuk pertama aku nak cakap sekarang ni. Wahai awak, sebenanarnya aku mengharap kau cepat kahwin. Bukan apa, aku takut perkara yang tak elok akan terjadi. Munkin kat atas diriku ataupun kau. Aku memang tak nak benda tu terjadi. Yang aku tahu pasti kau xkenal aku, tapi aku je kenal kau. Aku cuba nak katakan, kau memang bukan dekat sini tapi kau sebenarnya kau jauh, dan sebenarnya perkara yang mengeratkan kita adalah media sosial awak lah. Aku bukan xnak unfriend ke, block ke, aku nak kau jadi rival aku. Tapi masalah aku, bila kau dah post gambar tuut tuut. Aku jadi keliru balik. Terlupa niat sebenar kenapa aku biarkan diri aku x unfriend bagai semuai tu.
Kita ada persamaan, tapi aku nak cuba jadi mcm kau, sebab tahap kau lebih tinggi dari aku. Cuma naluri yang asyik terusik dgn gambar xsenonoh daripada kau, buat aku hampir terlupa. Tolonglah.
Harap cepatlah kahwin. Bukan aku xnak beritahu hadapan kau. Aku boleh je beritahu. Tapi siapa aku, kau bukan kenal aku dan kita bukan kawan pon.
Harap2 aku sediri mampu bertahan sampai waktu matlamat aku dah sampai, aku akan berhenti dari mengambil tahu lagi daripada kau. Sebenarnya, aku nak cuba ucap berterima kasih sebab xsangka sebabkan kau, aku mudah naik semangat aku cuba bersabar dan bertahan. Tambahan pula, tingkatkan lagi prestasi aku.
NotaKaki: Post pertama tahun ni, dan cuba elaklah post nak luahkan perasaan je. Umur dah 21 kot. Matang lah sikit.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Finding the truth
Assalamualaikum and good morning :)
For today post, I want to share my experience of having a curiosity when someone ignoring me. I do always asking many of whys whenever whom did that to me. Did I making you bored or something? Did I ignoring you first? Or because of my lack in eye contact with people and responses? In past, whenever I though of that questions, I conclude that he or she hates me then I felt very down for a moment and disappointing to him that cannot accept me as a friend or a best friend. That is in the past. After I've met Mr. Zul, he told me that I'm concluding an assumption before seeking for answers to the particular person. That's the right thing to do to avoid any disturbing emotions inside me. He said that I need to be brave finding the truth by asking instead of making bad assumption. Then, I must accept it by try to understand him. That's the solution. I do realized and I'm very grateful to Allah that showed me the way. The solution was very helpful to me. Right now, the curiosity loosen a lot in me whenever I remembered Mr. Zul's advices. Although actually I skip the asking part but it never made me feels any sad feelings. Why? Because I knew the reason why I've felt that. The curiosity led me want to know the answer. That's why. If I avoid to know, I've felt careless but I will do my best to let people accept me who I am really are. I believed that if I'm really that bad, they will tell me honestly. I will think for a moment and try to change although it takes time. With Allah in my side, there is nothing impossible for me.
That's all for today. See you again Ikmal! Sayonara! :)
For today post, I want to share my experience of having a curiosity when someone ignoring me. I do always asking many of whys whenever whom did that to me. Did I making you bored or something? Did I ignoring you first? Or because of my lack in eye contact with people and responses? In past, whenever I though of that questions, I conclude that he or she hates me then I felt very down for a moment and disappointing to him that cannot accept me as a friend or a best friend. That is in the past. After I've met Mr. Zul, he told me that I'm concluding an assumption before seeking for answers to the particular person. That's the right thing to do to avoid any disturbing emotions inside me. He said that I need to be brave finding the truth by asking instead of making bad assumption. Then, I must accept it by try to understand him. That's the solution. I do realized and I'm very grateful to Allah that showed me the way. The solution was very helpful to me. Right now, the curiosity loosen a lot in me whenever I remembered Mr. Zul's advices. Although actually I skip the asking part but it never made me feels any sad feelings. Why? Because I knew the reason why I've felt that. The curiosity led me want to know the answer. That's why. If I avoid to know, I've felt careless but I will do my best to let people accept me who I am really are. I believed that if I'm really that bad, they will tell me honestly. I will think for a moment and try to change although it takes time. With Allah in my side, there is nothing impossible for me.
That's all for today. See you again Ikmal! Sayonara! :)
P/s The whole post actually nothing to do with yesterday's event. That day was great! I've felt very happy hanging out with my best friend. I just thought to do it since I'm able to be more matured guy. That's all.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Almost reach!
Hello, and Assalamualaikum to all and myself :)
Supposed right now I'm bit disappointing to myself that made my friend furious with me but I'm not. Why? Because I'm almost reach to the peak of the story where the beginning of the resolvement will start any moment now, if I have the courage to ask my friend apologizes. If I don't have, this climax will take time to happen and the storyline will become poor. Not just the poor I'm worried but the book will be ignored or been thrown away. Not I'm saying that I'm lack of confidence but it actually gained me more to try. Since I've already learned and experienced that take responsible as soon as possible, it showed me how important to find the chances instead of waiting. If I wait, none of the results will ever happen. Seek more possibility and never afraid to try it. That's what I learned. Being a Degree Student, I've started to realize that I'm not only learn the academics nor the non. I've learn to socialize with others by understand the people around me. Actually I prefer it as a law to get along with your own friends and I learning it. I didn't realize till then it actually exist and the counselor is the lecturer. How grateful. Hopefully I do can seek the knowledge and develop my socializing skill. I think that's all for today. Hopefully also the story will be epic!
Supposed right now I'm bit disappointing to myself that made my friend furious with me but I'm not. Why? Because I'm almost reach to the peak of the story where the beginning of the resolvement will start any moment now, if I have the courage to ask my friend apologizes. If I don't have, this climax will take time to happen and the storyline will become poor. Not just the poor I'm worried but the book will be ignored or been thrown away. Not I'm saying that I'm lack of confidence but it actually gained me more to try. Since I've already learned and experienced that take responsible as soon as possible, it showed me how important to find the chances instead of waiting. If I wait, none of the results will ever happen. Seek more possibility and never afraid to try it. That's what I learned. Being a Degree Student, I've started to realize that I'm not only learn the academics nor the non. I've learn to socialize with others by understand the people around me. Actually I prefer it as a law to get along with your own friends and I learning it. I didn't realize till then it actually exist and the counselor is the lecturer. How grateful. Hopefully I do can seek the knowledge and develop my socializing skill. I think that's all for today. Hopefully also the story will be epic!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Yesterday...
8:12pm, Saturday, October 12, 2013
Dear me,
I’m
home since yesterday. This morning, I watched anime on television which is one
of my favourite cartoon shows that is Naruto Shippudden. It was great because
it was viewed on television more than 2 episodes around three hours as far as I
could remember. The best part, I didn’t watch that episodes yet. While I was
mushrooming in front of the television, something popped out through my thought
to continue my skill in ACAD drawing while watching the commercials. I was
bored actually whenever the commercials started. How could I? It was an ongoing
show and I just sit there facing the television. Then, I reached my laptop to
get started. The first thing that I thought to draw is the Mangekyou Sharingan.
While I was busy imagined the steps to sketch, my mind was to focus on the
laptop screen instead of the television. Although the television commercials
were already over, I couldn’t straight my head up to the show just because the
temptation to complete the drawing was more crucial. It’s pretty hard to draw
instead the other one that is the third level of Sharingan. It taken me through
the afternoon to finish it and I didn’t aware that the show was already over. But
still, I’m satisfied that I have done the drawing and it was worth to leave the
show aside. I don’t mind to not to watch because I can watch it later on
streaming videos by the Naruto fan site on the Internet. After I’ve done my drawing that is around 3
o’clock in the evening, I’ve just remembered that the latest episode of The
Legend Of Korra was released today on the internet! The show is one of my
listed favourite cartoon shows instead of Naruto Shippudden. Although it is one
of my likings, the previous episode of the show bumped me. From the point when
Korra started to have issue with her water tribe, I though she will meet the
previous avatar before her especially Aang to discuss the problem but she didn’t.
She too rash and without tolerate with others view which not the previous
avatar, she did what she want to do by herself. Poor Mako, He tried to be a
good listener and also give a good advises to her but whenever he told her something,
she condemned and then frustrated that her boyfriend never ever tried to
support her. I’m asking myself, what’s wrong with Korra? She’s very unmatured
although this is the second problem that she faced after solving the tie
between non-benders and benders. To be honest, I was very disappointed with her
action and also that episode. Still, it didn’t affect me to hate the show. The
latest one was great! It was like watching The Legend Of Aang all over again. How
Asami wants her company to survive from drowning of not having much profit when
the shipwrecked happen that sinked her products down the ocean. How Mako worked
so hard to find the criminal and yet he found him but he still unable to say it
out loud because of his ex-girlfriend problem was made and solved by him. Then
lastly, Korra that have been ambushed by her own cousins and been attacked by
the evil spirit suddenly lied on a beach in Amber Island I think having
amnesia. The episode was really great and I’m really looking forward to watch
the next upcoming episode.
Correction
Dear me,
I’ve been home since yesterday. This morning, I watched the Anime on television which is one of my favourite cartoon shows that is Naruto Shippudden. It was great because it was viewed on television more than 2 episodes around three hours as far as I could remember. The best part, I haven’t watched that episode yet. While I was mushrooming in front of the television, something popped out through my thought to continue my skill in ACAD drawing while watching the commercials. I was bored actually whenever the commercials started. How could I? It was an ongoing show and I just sit there facing the television. Then, I reached my laptop to get started. The first thing that I thought to draw is the Mangekyou Sharingan. While I was busy imagined the steps to sketch, my mind was to focus on the laptop screen instead of the television. Although the television commercials were already over, I couldn’t straight my head up to the show just because the temptation to complete the drawing was more crucial.It’s pretty hard to draw instead the other one that is the third level of Sharingan. It's taken me through the afternoon to finish it and I didn’t aware that the show was already over. But still, I’m satisfied that I have done the drawing and it was worth to leave the show aside. I don’t mind to not to watch because I can watch it later on streaming video from the Naruto fan site on the Internet. After I’ve done my drawing that is around 3 o’clock in the evening, I’ve just remembered that the latest episode of The Legend Of Korra was released today on the internet! The show is one of my listed favourite cartoon shows instead of Naruto Shippudden. Although it is one of my likings, the previous episode of the show bumped me. From the point when Korra started to have issue with her water tribe, I though she will meet the previous avatar before her especially Aang to discuss the problem but she didn’t. She too rash and without tolerates with others view which not the previous avatar, she did what she wants to do by herself. Poor Mako, He tried to be a good listener and also give a good advises in her but whenever he told her something, she condemned and then frustrated that her boyfriend never ever tried to support her. I’m asking myself, what’s wrong with Korra? She’s very immature although this is the second problem that she faced after solving the tie between non-benders and benders. To be honest, I was very disappointed with her action and also that episode. Still, it didn’t affect me to hate the show. The latest one was great! It was like watching The Legend Of Aang all over again. How Asami wants her company to survive from drowning by not having much profit when the shipwrecked happen that sinked her products down the ocean. How Mako worked so hard to find the criminal and yet he found him but he still unable to say it out loud because of his ex-girlfriend problem was made and solved by him. Then lastly, Korra that have been ambushed by her own cousins and being attacked by the evil spirit suddenly lay on a beach in Amber Island I think having amnesia. The episode was really great and I’m really looking forward to watch the next upcoming episode.
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